Your Fantasy Patch

One day you wake up and suddenly you are the only person in charge of balancing COH2. All of the other relic employees have moved on to making their next game and it's up to you to fix all the game's problems. Furthermore, Greg and Quinn are fed up with how slow the release cycle has been and demand that you release a new patch in just one week!

Since you have such limited time, you can only make up to THREE changes. Unfortunately, you are very new and inexperienced at all this, so for each change you intentionally include, you will also add by accident one ninja change and one new bug. Your ninja changes won't help the game balance and will be either nonsensical or have a negative impact on balance instead. I'll start:

Intended:
- Pathfinding is now reliable and intuitive
- Game performance drastically increased across the board
- Vehicle death criticals completely overhauled

Unintended:
- SU-76 main gun no longer works at all
- Panzershreck always hits even vs infantry but damage and penetration reduced to PTRS levels
- Soviet heavy mortar team cost doubled and crew size increased to 15

Bugs:
- USF pack howitzer can't fire, spawns with no crew members at all and just rolls around on its own
- Raketenwerfer no longer has an arc of fire and just shoots in any direction like a panzershreck
- You can now reinforce out of the Brummbar like a halftrack

Intended:
-Call-in meta problem solved by increasing the viability of core units
-Commanders overhauled
-No more of that several seconds then speedup lag
Unintended:
-T34/76 manpower and fuel cost dropped to 5 and popcap to 1, but can't use any weapon, gets destroyed in one hit and can only use its Ram ability, which has unlimited range
-Volksgrenadiers veterancy problem actually solved by accident, but now spawn with 3 MG34s and 2 Panzershrecks
-Guards one shot everything with their PTRS
Bugs:
-Katyusha now shoots Sturmtiger rockets
-Paratroopers survive landings only if they land on dangerous terrain
-Ambulance now has Flak HQ gun on its top

Axis would get seriously gardened

-Remove those disgusting bulletins overpowered the expansion Ardennes "" standalone singleplayer "" from multiplayer
-Review The USF
-Reduce has one the soviet sniper
-Better optimize the game
-Main case

Intended:
- Improved call in system.
- Game performance drastically increased across the board
- Rework of some of the maps (Minsk, Hurtgen, Stalingrad, Rostov, Pripyat)

Unintended:
- All indirect weapons fire does equal damage to friendlies as it does to foes.
- Support weapons are far more effective but loose their ability to retreat.
-Faction selection does not work. All players in auto match are forced to play all 4 factions randomly.

Bugs:
- You can't select more than 1 unit at a time. (annoying but the with the benefit of blobbing being difficult )
- The ISU can't switch ammo while in combat
- Mines can't be placed on ice

Haha. Some of these are hilarious. Here are mine:

Intended:
-CP cost of all call-in tanks doubled
-Obersoldaten MG34s now cost 100 munitions to upgrade
-Demolition charges can only be placed on neutral buildings and enemy-built structures

Unintended:
-OKW building self-destruct no longer destroys the building, but instead causes all neutral buildings to blow up at once.
-Riegel mines are now free, but grant instant vet 3 and full repairs to any tank that triggers them instead of causing immobilization.
-All loitering airstrikes now randomly target all units, friend and foe.

Bugs:
-All infantry killed by explosives now ragdoll directly into the camera
-All victory strikes replaced by a random cutscene from the single-player campaign, overlaid with "YOU DEFEATED"
-Panzergrenadier and female Soviet sniper voice files swapped

Intended:
-Conscript late game scale
-PzGren Dmg Buff at close range
-Call in Inf and Armor CP cost increased by 1-3

unintended:
-Panzerfaust now fires sturmtiger rockets
-ISU indirect firing mode
-All howitzers fires without stopping with unlimited range

Bugs:
-OKW building self-destruction blows up the equal tech of the enemies
-Secret commader with V2 rockets at 1 CP with 25 muni cost unlocked for every one
-snipers 1 shot whole squads

Intended:
NEW MAP POOL and change every month!
bazooka and ptrs perforation/precision increased
Shock troops grenade remove. Only remain smoke.

Unintended

Demolition charge range increase to 30m but no dommage
SU85 shots damage decreased but bounce between tanks.
Sniper can't shoot but stay invisible

Bug
Tiger can only go backwards
In 2vs2, one of each team in each base
Grenader riflegrenade explose like B4 shoot

Intended:
Reconnect function.
Unintended:
I don't care, give me a reconnect function and add 3 more LMG34s to Ubers or makes shocks free at 0cp.

Intended:

- Infantry can't use grenades (frag/smoke/AT) while suppressed
- "Artillery Support" ability added to the ISU. ISU will be immobile and uses HE shells as indirect fire support like howitzers
- Jagdtiger CP requirement reduced to 12 and fuel cost reduced to 260

Unintended:

- JT concrete piercing no longer costs munitions
- Demos can be attacked by enemy troops(A-move)
- Jaeger's G43s now snipe enemy infantry


Bugs:

- Demo charges can be triggered by enemy units (like mines)
- CP requirements for everything else reduced to 0
- AT nades only cause engine damage

Lmao this thread.

Intended:

- Fixed bad team automatching system by making game Free-To-Play, thus increasing playerbase. You can buy bonus boosts which increase your War Spoils drop frequency temporarily.
- Cover positioning fixed so units dont get rekt by indirect fire/AOE weapons all day
- Made pathing fluid and practically bugless

Unintended:

- HMGs now have retarded amount of damage and increased suppression, so basically all of them are OP
- You can now damage models from environmental/ambient physics effects I.E. exploding oil drums/munitions crates cause burning fire that hurts inf, pieces of buildings, wells, vehicles, etc cause damage to infantry models
- USF Medics can pick up idle weapons and equip weapons from Weapons Racks.

Bugs:

- Grenades can be thrown across the map in a similar way to grenades in Command and Conquer: Red Alert could be glitched to be thrown.
- Stuart's stun shot ability never stops working and will continuously fire all game after being activated once
- Demo packs can now be placed on top of eachother directly for even bigger explosions.

Intended:
M36 Penetration to 260/240/220 and Damage to 160, HVAP to 50% more Dmg.
OKW Panzerschreck moved to Sturmpioneers, Volks given StG upgrade.
Conscripts may upgrade to Frontoviki at Vet 3, and gain 2 PPSh's.

Unintended:
OKW Ammo and Fuel income restored to 100%.
Incendiary weapons heal enemy troops.
King Tiger doesn't require teching.

Bug:
M36 Penetration is at set to 0, but Deflection Damage at 260.00 (41600 damage on deflection).
Sturmpioneers upgrade gives infinite Panzerschrecks (if they drop one, they still have 4).
Frontoviki retain Vet 3 when converted.

Intended:
-Callins tied to tech.
-Panzershreck moved to Sturmpios for OKW. Volks gain AT combat package with pfaust and AT rifle.
-Ostheer t3/t4 build cost swapped with tech cost.

Ninja:
-All tiger Callins are now Tiger Ace. Tiger Ace is now regular Tiger.
-OKW HEAT rounds now go through shot blockers.
-USF medics now have same damage profile as Ober MGs.

Bug:
-Rapid Conscription and Relief Infantry now toggle abilities.
-Soviet wire fields returned to game instead of current wire.
-OKW booby traps can be set off by friendly units (but not your own).

Best thread ever!