A Lover's Touch, ESL Cup 2 Europe

Strap yourselves in, find your refreshments under your seats, and cut your legs off. You will only need your butts today, as we can expect some long games. From two gentlemen.

HelpingHans and Luvnest, who both made it to the finals and are itching to get their hands on those hundred euros in prize money. Ei! Drop the knives, gentlemen. No killing of your opponent before the battle. Please!



Langreskaya is our first target of the day. North Base. Off you go, Hans, and... Nice Soviet uniform, you traitor of the Third Reich! Anyway. Kommandant Luvnest of the Wehrmacht, prepare yourself, we are soon there. South Base. Jump out, show that traitor how it is done. Or I am sure the Fuhrer will personally gut you.

Polite fellows here, 'Good Luck and Have fun's have been exchanged. A Special Rifle Command for Hans, with a Conscripts squad on the way. They are from some slum in Moscow. Full of criminals. Luvnest builds the Infanteri Kompanie and calls for an MG42.

Then a group of Grenadiers. Another Conscripts for Hans. Easy going in the early game, nothing crazy. Except for the criminal Conscripts. See that one, over there? He got Hans's wallet, briefs and hat. Without being noticed. Damn! He is good.


Both sides capture territory, the West and East. But Hans has made a mistake.

A spearhead from Luvnest advances through the center, the standard play for Langreskaya. Something Hans forgot about as his cutoff is undefended. He did not even bother to scout the middle. A must-do on this map.

Hans loses his cutoff and makes no move towards it. Yet. He has an M3A1 Light Scout Car on the way. It is as if he has read Luvnest's mind, for he wants a Sniper. What is more, Hans seems to know the location of the MG42. Behind a fence, in some bushes, near the middle Victory Point. Black magic, Hans? You do know that Satan is on Luvnest's side, right?

Perfectly timed, Hans sweeps in and routs the German spearhead. He makes it look easy. About the same time, the Scout Car arrives and so does the German Sniper. Who, apparently, Hans already knows about. That is odd.

But no worries, the MG42 is in the way. That unit slipped Hans's mind. Say hello, Scout Car, to one thousand and two hundred bullets per minute! Huh, Mister Car? Hello? Uhm, it is standing still for some reason. Driver! Wake up! Finally, he comes to it and reverses. Good- BOOM! Job. Great, Car down for Hans.

Luvnest pushes out. Past the hedges and the wreck of the Scout Car. Unknown to him though, his weak squad of Grenadiers will soon meet these Engineers, equipped with a flamethrower. No, comrade, I do not need a light. That joke is already old. Hush! Here the Germans come.


Say, Frank, some Bier later? Ja, that would be gut! A branch cracks. Allo! Meet flamethrower! Screams. Burning grass. Three thumps and a running German. Ja! Sehr gut, more bier for me!

And meanwhile, another spear hits the cutoff of the Soviets. Pow! Dead German to the ground. The Scout Car was not the only thing Hans got from his Rifle Command, a Sniper team is on the field. One headshot to their name already. While the German Sniper still has his safety on.

Two headshots. Grenadier squad on the run. Conscripts, forward to the center Victory Point! Ratata, MG42 bullets in their face and the Combat Engineers takes the flank. Behind the MG42, behind the hedges, but a third squad of Grenadiers are in their way. What the Engineers could not do, a third squad of Conscripts could. Away with the MG42! And the German Sniper. Christ. Zero kills still.

The Germans loses the center and the house looking over the West Munitions Point. Above that house, the German Sniper is sneaking from bush to bush. Between two squads of Conscripts, one in the house, one walking. Four confirmed kills for the Soviet Sniper team! Zero for the German Sniper. A shame to the Fatherland!

A Dushka Heavy Machine Gun is afield and chasing some Pioneers, whom are on the East side of the battlefield. Trying to get that Fuel. All they get, though, is a mouthful of bullets.

The Soviets are forced out from the West, but they white Luvnest's Fuel before fleeing. Alas, the Sniper team goes down on the retreat. A fine job by the German Sniper and some Grenadiers. And then guess what? Another German spearhead up the center! For the third time. Soldaten, have you put up the flowerbeds yet? What about the stone laid paths? Get to work, you lazy buggers! You may as well make yourselves a garden, for how often you go there.


Walking into an MG42 is never a bright idea. Even if you are a Dushka, even more so if the enemy MG42 has taken cover behind a Soviet sandbag position. Yeah, run away! In other news, Luvnest decaptures Han's cutoff point, but has to move away. Two criminal squads stab after him. Into the house, Grenadiers! Scheisse, is that a flamethrower? Jikes! It is. Out, schnell!

They get out and sprint to another house. A pack of criminals right behind them. Too slow, Soviet scum! The house belongs to Germany now. Until the Engineers with the flamethrower comes along. I mean they are right around the corner. Looks like Hans will keep his Munitions Point.

Or not. He over pushes his enemy, and has to retreat his Conscripts squad back. Good kiting by Luvnest here. All of his squads are still on the field.

One squad of Conscripts flank the MG42 in the center, which still has not learned to look out for that road. You know which, the one coming from the North. Thankfully, a group of Grenadiers are nearby. Together they drive the Soviets off. Just in time for the Dushka to open fire.

The map looks as if it will be in Luvnest's control soon, if Hans cannot recover his territory. It was about equal in the Early Game, but with the Middle Game well underway, things are changing. That Sniper team loss for Hans hurt a lot. But perhaps a T-70 Light Tank can make up for it? Luvnest certainly has no Anti Tank Gun yet, or even a Teller Mine down.

Hans manages to push the Germans back. That Dushka did some work on the MG42 and the Grenadier squad, while the Combat Engineers lit a path elsewhere near the Munitions Point. But the Pioneers are still about the Fuel, planting some S-Mines. Oh no. You know what? Hans cannot get a minesweeper to clear them out. He needs another Engineers squad!

Wait. He can always clear them with his T-70! It sends away the Pioneers. Now it just needs to see those signs and drive over all the mines... Right. Instead, Hans drives after the Pioneers. Almost gets them, but Luvnest calls in a Puma. No squad wipe for you, Hans. Time to pull back your light tank. And please. For the love of Jesus, see those signs!


For the fourth time, a spear goes through the center. By now, Hans should be expecting it. Maybe he did, a new Sniper team guards his cutoff with a bunch of criminals. LMGs or not, the Grenadiers will not stand a chance against the Soviets with their heads falling off. Plus, that Dushka is making it even harder.

Last time we saw him, the German Sniper had one confirmed kill. Now he has nine, just nailed a Soviet Sniper, but the spotter is still alive.

The T-70 has been repaired. A squad of Conscripts found a hole in the S-Minefield on the Fuel point. And the Combat Engineers are lighting a way for their comrades down center. Right into the MG42 and Sniper. Perhaps, for once, it is the Combat Engineers that needs a light? Or new brains.

Either way, it will be hard for Hans to crawl back across the map. Two Mortars come for Luvnest. One more Dushka is here for Hans. He clawed back his Munitions Point, but he is still behind. Then he losses his Fuel.

Worse, it seems he forgot about that S-Minefield, or he wanted to clear it out with his men. A criminal Conscripts squad is down! And his cutoff is lost. A recapture attempt goes sour as the MG42 and Puma guards it.

What the... One of you, back there, actually cut your legs off? Are you a complete moron? Get out of my jeep! Medics!

After waiting a few minutes, HelpingHans makes a push for his cutoff! A newly arrived SU-76M aids the assault. He recaptures his point, but a counterattack by Luvnest gets the Fuel. It is the Pioneers again. And they have crates full of S-Mines. If it wiped once, it may wipe again.


Or it may finally be their turn to be wiped! They decapture the East Victory Point, just as the T-70 drives by. And stops. The Pioneers get out with a leg blown off for each. Talk about determination.

Things are rather quiet. Except for a house that just collapsed and crushed a squad of Grenadiers. There was also a little fire on the West North side. Then there is the German Sniper, who though he was a hero. He spotted the enemy Sniper team, fired, loaded, aimed and got blasted by the T-70 for his troubles. Sniper down.

HelpingHans has grown tired of the S-Minefields. He got another squad of Combat Engineers. Meanwhile, Luvnest goes for a Panther. Hans might as well be a dead man.

If only Luvnest knew how to end Hans's misery. The battle goes back and forth. Bullets here and there, slight gains and slight losses for both sides. Until... Bam! The Soviet Sniper team dies to a hail of bullets from a Light Machine Gun. Well done, Grenadiers! And good news: your Panzerwerfer is here. Let us hope Luvnest can actually end his foe, instead of inviting him for tea again.

Apparently not. He is struggling mightily with it. A Grenadiers squad goes down! Dropping their LMG for the taking. Instead of replacing his Gren loss, Luvnest goes for a second Pioneer squad. His Puma and Panther are quite in need of repairs. But I have to wonder about his plans forward. He could have ended it long ago. Though, now things may turn in HelpingHans's favour. He got a ZiS-3 Anti Tank Gun.


For some reason, the MG42 is alone on the East side. A Dushka, and some criminals, happen by. Safe to say, the crew of the MG42 did not like their situation. They got out pretty fast. Oh, the criminals squad picked up the LMG. We must have missed it, but the other remaining squad also has an LMG. Oh dear. That is not good for Luvnest.

The Panzerwerfer has not done much, two barrages, five kills. No wipes. On the other side of the map. A M4C Sherman rolls through the Soviet base. Supposedly, by now, HelpingHans should have been dead. Since he somehow survived, it will now be Luvnest's turn to attempt death. Good luck!

A Dushka goes down, gets recrewed. A ZiS-3 goes down, gets recrewed. Dun-da-di-do! A goes down, B goes down, both gets recrewed... What? I sing terribly? Good. Enjoy yourselves back there!

The map control swings around. HelpingHans is in the lead, but he has to get through four hundred and twenty-one Victory Points before he will have the win. While he himself only has one hundred and thirty-three. Can he make it?

Boom! Bam! Pow! The fighting gets intense. A Command Tank tracks in. Panzerwerfer annihilates a Dushka! Mines are sprinkled on the East side by Hans, together with a Demolition Charge. Come to think of it, there is one on the West Top side as well. Been there for quite a while now. One more gets planted, this on the East Fuel.

Kaboom! Grenadiers down to that Charge! Luvnest did not expect that on his Fuel Point.

A third Pioneers squad is afield, a second Panther is not far behind, and a Katyusha arrives for Hans. The deciding blow will be soon. Hopefully.

Eighty-two to three hundred and sixty-seven Victory Points. Hans punches his opponent back, thwarting an attempt by the Puma to kill his Sherman, in his own base. And fills Luvnest's vehicles with holes. But the SU-76M is lost in an engagement. It is replaced by another Sherman.


The Command Tank gets swooped by a Sherman, and it is the destroyed. The response is to call in reserve troops for Luvnest, two Osttruppen squads. Tthe Germans have no choice but to assault the center over and over, as the T-70 guards the East. But two ZiS-3s makes it a difficult task.

Which, luckily, is made a bit easier. Hans just drove a Sherman into the Panthers. The crew is now cooked. He is quick to replace his loss with a SU-85. Hopefully he will not ask Luvnest for another cooking lesson.

Speaking of replacements, the Germans got a new Command Tank. So shiny!

Back and forth the battle for the center goes. Squads are lost for both sides, but the vehicles stay strong. Another SU-85 joins the fight. The middle Victory Point is white. A pause in the fighting. But is it too late for Hans? He only has sixteen Victory Points left, and his opponent three hundred and eighteen. What will happen?

Luvnest secures the middle! The points tick down for HelpingHans! But he stops the bleed at eight points. Despite the Panzerwerfer's best attempts to stop him. It needs to die! He strikes deep into enemy lines, but one shot is not enough to destroy the Werfer. Things look dark for Hans. Pulling his wounded tanks back, luck shines on him. Luvnest over commits a Panther and his Command Tank to hunt and destroy his attackers. Both goes down! But he orders a new Panther to replace his losses.

A slip up from HelpingHans, he losses the middle! The points tick. Seven, six, five, four, three, two and one. The bleed stops! He got it back just in time. But can he survive the next wave? Luvnest sends everything at the middle! Hans follows! If he can survive this then he may... wait. The game is over?

What?! The Eastern Victory Point fell! Hans has lost. Good job, you sneaky Pioneers! You won Luvnest the game.


A switch of uniforms and basses, and the contestants are ready to go again. Allo *hic*, comraddee. Weee bring German radio. Oh... Uhm, allo? I believe you are looking for Luvnest, that way. He instantly selected his Armored Assault Tactics commander.


The standard build from Hans's Germans, while Luvnest slams down a Special Rifle Command for a Sniper first. Then a squad of Conscripts. This time, it is some drunk seamen, whom all failed to read the fine print.

While the German Pioneers capture their way to the West Fuel, Luvnest sends his MG42 and some Grenadiers to the East, aiming for the Munitions Point. Unaware that he is in the sights of a Sniper. Bang! One German down. But the Combat Engineers retreated before they could capture the Munitions Point. Leaving the area open. The MG42 gets into a house with one unfortunate bastard down. He dared to look out the window.

This is a good sniper rifle, comrade. I am sure those dead Germans over there would agree. Keep up the good work! In other words, Hans is pulling out, and that sounds sexual. Great.

And a German Sniper came afield earlier. He goes to the East to stick it in, hugging a fence. Too bad the Soviet Sniper team is male. Neither have spotted the other yet, but they are in the same area. Several meters away from each other. Standing still.

Middle Victory Point is captured by Luvnest. The MG42 looked that way, but could not see anything due to their absurdly thick glasses. So they pack up and move down to their Sniper, who has humped over the fence and found another one to hug. Meanwhile, the Pioneers heads North, and the seamen, who captured the middle, settle into a house for a bit, before moving on to take HelpingHans's Munitions Point.

That is something Hans will absolutely not allow! He sends his entire army to deal with one squad of drunken seamen. Fantastic thinking, Hans! Hitler would be so proud. By the way, the Pioneers received a flamethrower. Do you get the hint, Luvnest?


Things are rather comfortable. Map is about fifty-fifty, the middle Victory Point belongs to Hans, with both players content letting it be so. For a while anyway. A 222 Scout Car is afield for Hans, another Conscripts squad and Engineers squad for Luvnest. The Anti-tank Grenade Package is on its way for all the seamen. Hopefully, they will not mistake them for bottles of rum this time.

Both players tug at the sides of the battlefield, trading control of them. The 222 drives... straight at the Soviet Sniper team. Quit it, Hans! Enough with your black magic. Boom! That is what you get for over chasing, Hans. A dead 222. In the enemy base, with the Sniper team alive. If only with one drop of blood left in their system.

HelpingHans, having smelled his luck, goes for another 222. Which goes straight for his captured Fuel point. It drives up to some Engineers, pulls the ol' broom out, and whacks them dead. Squad down for Luvnest! Otherwise, nothing to report. Just a few firefights around the place and a new Pioneer squad out. Plus, the middle goes from Hans to Luvnest

The Germans attack the East, but runs into a Maxim Heavy Machine Gun and gets shot in the face several times. They are pushed back, meanwhile, the Soviets try for the West side. This is where the German Sniper and the MG42 is, and it goes with the Soviets as it did with the Germans. It is a stalemate.

A Pak Anti-tank Gun gets discovered by a squad of Conscripts, whom liked the looks of that 222. But they could not run fast enough to catch it. Off they go, back home, for a drink. Again.

Luvnest gets another Maxim and both players get a Mortar. Then the push begins. Hans takes command of the game and goes in for an all grandma walk in the middle and bottom of the map. He is brushed back. Too slow, Hans. Too slow. Meanwhile, Luvnest sneaks some Conscripts by to take his opponent's Fuel. They succeed, pulling two Grenadiers squads away from the front.

Just in time for the Soviet assault into German territory. A Maxim squad grabs the house looking out over the Munitions Point, while another forces the MG42 away. But the mortar shells are falling awfully fast today. Ah, there is a second German Mortar. Plans cancelled, comrades! Flee!

Now, where is that commissar? Damn, nowhere to be seen, and he could have had some target practice today. Aww, how sad. But soon, it will be the Germans who will be sad. And miserable. A Katyusha is on the field.


Its first barrage knocks some dust up in the enemy base. Apparently, it is not only the seamen conscripts that are drunk out of their mind. But of course, High Command had to outdo the Soviets on this one. Giving a rather generous alcohol ration to their own Sniper. Who then was more than happy to give the incoming rockets a hug. He is dead.

Rather sad, is it not, Hans? Losing your lover like that has to hurt. Perhaps, Luv here can fill the void in your heart. With rockets.

But Hans has a counter ready: Two StuG Es. With them he pushes for the East side, but gets distracted by the West. Where a Maxim, seamen squad, and some Combat Engineers have rudely walked in. The 222 even got a grenade, plus a vodka bottle, into its engine! Ehm, thankfully, there was a crate of duct tape nearby. Let us just say that the 222 needs some... handy repair work.

Anyway, the push goes sour for Luvnest, but good for Hans. He has most of the East side now. And the only thing that can stop his StuGs is one SU-76M. Or to put it another way: bend over, Luv! The ram is coming. If only he would stand still. He sneaked his Combat Engineers up to Hans's Fuel again, planted a Demolition Charge and was well on his way to secure the point. Until a StuG E came along and said no.

The Engineers may be sneaky, but so is the enemy Pak Anti-tank Gun. It just shot the Katyusha. A burning wreck is all that remains of it. Feeling good about himself, Hans buys another Pak. Then promptly losses his minesweeper Pioneers to the Charge on that Fuel. Someone was not paying attention.

Lvunest has managed to secure the East side again. Armour will soon be on its way, but Hans is prepared and soon he will have a Tiger Heavy Tank. To make matters better, Luvnests launches a disastrous attack into German territory. With some air support that does nothing. A squad of seamen is lost, so is the Sniper team. Well. At least a T-34/85 is on its way! Will it make a difference?


Slowly, grandma style, HelpingHans crawls over the map. But a ZiS-3 Gun is giving him some troubles, together with two Maxims. Anyway, the T-34 is afield, resting right before a Teller Mine. This cannot go wrong, right?

Right, Teller 1, T-34 0. Just when Luvnest wanted to swoop over Hans too. Luckily though, the air support clears out a Teller Mine and the MG42. We may have an ace pilot up in the skies here. Ouch, a Grenadier squad goes down, but not due to the pilot. Due to the seamen Conscripts.

The air support scares away the Germans, letting the T-34 repair itself. Still, things are terrible for Luvnest: the Tiger is here. One skirmish and the T-34 nearly dies, despite having had the support of the ZiS-3 and the SU-76. This cannot be good.

A Maxim turns to dust. Literally. Hans has a lead in map control, but Luvnest has another T-34/85 coming. Alas, some LMG Grenadiers sweep past the ZiS-3 and the Mortar, routing them both.

All the way back to his base, Luvnest is pushed. He has two hundred and ninety-eight Victory Point left, Hans has a little less. The battlefield, however, is in his hands, not Luvnest's. Something Luv does not like.

He goes all in. One win it or lose it assault. His two T-34s go for the flank, while his last Maxim and Conscripts take to the front, with the SU-76 in support. The 222 goes down, then a Pak, the Tiger is brought down to half health, but a T-34 flames up. The assault failed. Luvnest is losing. He replaces his T-34 loss. One more time, maybe?

No, it is not enough. One final attack ends it all, leaving all the T-34s as smoking wrecks. Luvnest throws the Good Game. And bends over. I will turn off the lights, turn on the music, and leave you two gentlemen alone. Have fun!


After a rather hot and steamy bedroom session, both players are ready to go again. They exchange their uniforms yet again and head out for Crossing in the Woods. Hans, perhaps a bit steamy still, decide to go with his strategy from the first game: Conscript, Sniper team, Scout Car, and then double Conscripts. Luvnest settles for a Grenadier, MG42, Sniper, double Grenadiers.

Hey! Conscript, where are you from and what do you do? Kiev, mechanic, very interesting. I am sure HelpingHans will be in need of your services. If he goes for the Lend Lease Tactics commander again.


East is where Hans go. West is Luvnest's, but he only sends his Grenadiers over and takes the center with his Pioneers and MG42. The Sniper has yet to arrive. Of course, he barb wires the central road. Denying himself, as well as his opponent, a route into enemy territory.

He then splits his MG42 away, to the West. After sending a Conscripts squad running.

The M3A1 Scout Car is here, in the center, clearing the barbs. Within it are the Combat Engineers, sure to get a flamethrower soon. Unfortunately, the driver is a bit over zealous and goes into enemy territory, where some Grenadiers are having a coffee break. They are not pleased, and bid the Scout Car leave. The engine is hit by a Panzerfaust. And the vehicle pulls back for repairs. I guess duct tape is out of fashion in the Red Army.

A few skirmishes, without anything decisive for either party. Luvnest has a slight lead in map control. The flamethrower arrives for the Combat Engineers, but they have yet to repair the Scout Car. Thanks to some German pressure.

Three confirmed kills for the Soviet Sniper team, one for the German Sniper. I mean two! A squad of Conscripts almost dies on the retreat, after a battle in the center. HelpingHans wants both sides of the map, and pays dearly for it. His Scout Car hits a Teller Mine and goes boom. Too greedy, Hans. You may be the one to bend over this time, at this rate.

Luvnest cuts Hans off from the East part of the map with a spearhead move into and beyond the center. But both Fuels belong to Hans, for now. He has select the Lend Lease commander. Seems your skills will come in handy, conscript mechanic. Oh, he is dead. A pity.


Two Dushka Heavy Machine Guns are called in for Hans. And he recaptures his cutoff, both Fuels still under his control. Not good, not good, if your name is Luvnest. But he redeems himself fast with the Pioneers capturing the West Fuel. He also gets a 222 Scout Car.

Driver, schnell, get us up beside that Dushka! Gunner, fire at will, and open ze hatch! It opens. A bucket of cold piss is thrown out. Right atop the Soviet crew's heads. Whom do not like the smell, and retreat. I am sure HelpingHans regrets that he did not help his men to some Anti-tank grenades. After all, he has to listen to his piss soaked comrades for their report on the situation on the Eastern flank.

A German front develops across the entire battlefield. Both contestants are spread thin, but Luvnest gets the upper hand, capturing both Fuels. Only for a little while though, Hans penetrates the West Fuel. A T-70 arrives and so does a Pak Anti-tank Gun.

The T-70 drives up to some Grenadiers, who are kind enough to give it a Panzerfaust. But the Pak is not in position to finish it off. So the Grenadiers have to run. A man down, as well as a leg.

Spotting Scopes are fine items and the 222 now has one. It can see well across the middle, spotting nearly the entire map. Luckily, there are no ladies home in the houses. Perverts!

Map control swings back to about even, and then turns to Hans's favour. No major battles takes place. Both parties are playing it very safe, afraid to get kicked in the nuts by their opponent. Or should I say: fondled. Anyway, the German forces are camping just below the center, while the Soviets are more spread out.

Victory Points are three hundred and ninety-two to four hundred and sixty-two, HelpingHans to Luvnest.

The Snipers are having a friendly competition. Of whoever can make the other's comrades the most miserable. The German Sniper hashaving eleven confirmed kills, while the Soviet one has a measly six. But the Soveits compensates by gaining ground in the center, forcing off two Grenadiers squads. The Pak is in a rather uncomfortable position.

But nothing happens to it. The Fuel Points trade hands. It is back to rubber land, where everything is safe. Urgh. Not to say that there are not any fights, but it is mostly nit picks here and there. Tugging and dragging on the battle lines. Waiting for the right moment to strike.


A Panzer 4 is afield. It drives up the road and to the left. Right into the sights of a SU-76M, which has been around for a while in rubber land. Two shots into its armour and the Panzer plays it safe. God, please smite these safers!

This is boring. Someone, give that driver a shot of something superb. Make him drive straight at the enemy! Give us some action. Please!

Well, I did not expect a Dushka crew to comply with that request. They just ran up to some sandbags, right in front of the Panzer 4, and just sat down. The tank did not know what to think. It got scared and pulled out. Leaving its Pak buddy to hang, before realizing that it was a bluff by the Dushka. Whoopsie, it was not a bluff! The SU-76 is around the corner. But the Pak gets out alive.

Luvnest lays a few mortar shells onto an abandoned truck and a Dushka, with his new Mortar squad. Being smart folk, the Dushka crew walk away. Down to enemy territory, sets up, and fires. A Grenadier squad flee faster than one-two-three once they see the T-70 backing up the Dushka squad, whom then are hit by a mortar shell. Only one man survives. He just shrugs, puts the gun over his shoulder, waves goodbye and then sprints home. Quite the real man, is he not?

Despite such efforts, map control is still about even. There is a second SU-76M on the field. It is discovered by the Panzer 4, which for whatever reason drove into enemy lines all alone.

Perhaps they really wanted to meet some Conscripts and hear the latest news? In the form of an damaged engine. And a brand new air condition system, called Windy Holes™. The Panzer 4 barely survives the encounter with the two SU-76s and the Anti-tank grenade.

The first Sherman is afield, and so is a second German Mortar. HelpingHans is doing a good job of keeping a tight grip about all three Victory Points, but then he loses his flamethrower Combat Engineers. Their flamethrower is now in German hands.

A Teller Mine laid ages ago finally blows up, to a stray show from a SU-76. Bet Luvnest is ripping his hair out right about now.


In fact, he is so frustrated that he forgets about his MG42. Apparently, they are the spotters for an unknown assault into enemy lines, according to their orders. Luckily, Luvnest recovers in time and pulls them back.

It is three hundred and ninety-nine Victory Points to two hundred and fifty-one, Hans to Luvnest.

In the center, an overeager SU-76M engages a calm and focused Pak. Two shots later, the eagerness is gone and just a wreck remains. SU-76 down! Guess the eternal German coffee break on his side of the center paid off for Luvnest. He really likes the place.

One step more there, German Sniper, and you would have been dead. The remaining SU-76 sent a love letter, but it missed by a tiny bit. He is at half health.

Hans brings his opponent down to one hundred and ninety-nine Victory Points. Two hundred points in the lead, things are looking good. But that may change. A StuG is on its way for Luvnest, and it may prove an headache for the Soviet General.

A Dushka dies a hero, defending the middle Victory Point until the end. Doubt Hans will see it like that though, he would rather prefer it to still be alive. His firm grip is slipping.

The first thing the StuG does afield is to hit a mine. Well, tank crew, that is a record. For sucking. The engine is not salvageable. The SU-76 should be able to… kill it? It misses a shot. The StuG does not and kills its opponent. Random Number Generator at your service, Hans, help yourself to another serving, please. Would you like some rage cake with your tea?

It is up to the T-70 to finish the StuG, which it does without problems. Several shots. Dead.


The second Sherman arrives, but Hans is in bad shape. Another Combat Engineer is dead. A Dushka is down as well, but not for long. He recrews it and the one he lost earlier.

Luvnest is doing a good job of keeping at least one of the Victory Points. He is down to one hundred and thirty-two points, and he needs a plan of attack. With a new Panzer 4, perhaps now is the time to strike?

He tries for all of the Victory Points. HelpingHans is determined to stop him, but he is unable to do so. And losses a Dushka in the attempt. All three Victory Points now belong to Luvnest. The pressure is on Hans to take them back, despite his losses. Another Combat Engineer is down.

Hans secures one Victory Point, two remains, but a counterattack is coming. It sends him on the retreat. Losing him the point. To make matters worse, the East Victory Point is guarded by a captured Dushka. It is sent away by a Sherman, but the tank cannot stay there.

The Soviet Commander is fearful of what Luvnest may be able to do. Should he win. After all, it would be Hans’s turn to bend over in the bedroom.

Attempt after attempt, the Red Army tries to retake the Victory Points. But each time they are pushed back. They are now down to one hundred and eighty-eight Victory Points. Time is short for Hans! He has but a few minutes left to turn things around.

It is decided, a massive assault on the West Victory Point is in the works. All of Hans’s forces move to that side of the map. And then they stand still. The Conscripts support is behind. They are too busy with repairs to join the assault, and without them, there will be no assault. The seconds tick. This is a huge mistake.

Finally, with repairs done, the Conscripts get moving, but is it too late? Luvnest is prepared.


He catches one of the Shermans out of position with a Panzer 4 and the Pak. This pulls two squads of Conscripts away and right into the MG42’s cone of fire. They retreat with only three men left total, and the Sherman barely survives. HelpingHans’s attack is stopped before it can even begin.

One hundred and four Victory Points remain. That is about three minutes left for Hans.

But it may not come to that. Luvnest knows he has an advantage. He pushes with his tanks into the enemy base, with the Pak in support. Hans has no choice but to hide his wounded Sherman further back. But he manages to force Luv away using his SU-76, which gets wounded. For now, Hans is holding on.

Fifty-two points left. Luvnest controls two Victory Points, he lost one, but Hans was unable to secure it. To make things worse, a Panzer 4 finds the wounded SU-76M and finishes it off!

Luvnest retakes the lost Victory Point. Less than a minute remain for Hans. He has lost. It is his turn to bend over.

At nineteen points left, he says Good Game and surrenders.



Congratulations to you, Luvnest! You are now the Master of the Bedroom. At last, you can decide the colour of the duvets! Or if you would prefer, you can be the Champion of the European ESL GO4COH Cup number 2!