The Carpet, ESL Cup 2 North America

It is that time of the week again. Get into the jeep, strap yourselves fast and rip out the belts of Barton and SPrice. They will not come with us. Fling them out!

Those trolls made a fool of themselves during the stream of the European Cup. Anyway, has everyone strapped themselves fast yet? Excellent. Today, we will be off to Arnheim Checkpoint. For a rather lackluster performance in the finals.

The games are between a Space Hamster and the guy we flung out earlier, Captain SPrice. Sure hope he had fun walking all the way here.



The Hamster has the United States Forces in the South, the Captain, the Wehrmacht in the North. Straight off the bat, we have something interesting, an early sniper for the Germans. For the Americans, it looks like the standard three Riflemen squads. The capture routes are standard: Germans going West, Americans East.

A bit of scouting by a Rear Echelons squad in the center. Into a house, look the enemy's way, see nothing and out. Whatever could those Germans be up to? Well, your pretty little head will know soon, the Sniper is afield.

Barbed wire again? The Pioneers are bored, capturing the cutoff leading to the West and decide to place some wire in front of the point. Two sections, mind you, will do jack shit! Sorry, your name is actually Jack, back there? Oh.


The center is secured by the Rears, as a Grenadiers squad marches onto the field. The Sniper has yet to let anyone know that he exists. Hurry up, Freidrick! Capture that point and move! Whispers. Now, we only need to get one of the Rears here to bang him in the head.

Scout, scout, little Sniper, scout, scout, but be beware, a Riflemen squad is close. Not that he can see it, there is a solid wooden fence in the way. The Riflemen are walking towards the cutoff that was secured earlier by Freidrick. Neither will see each other at this rate. Oh, and there is a second Grenadiers squad on their way.

Change of rate, Freidrick spots the squad of Riflemen. He is on the road, which is not a wise spot to be. Bang! Uh-huh. Hamster now knows that there is a sniper about, but it seems he cannot chase. Four Grenadiers are distracting him, but Five Riflemen are coming in to support their brothers. Bang! Look at those two Riflemen running! Past their brothers. The Germans have not even suffered a casualty.

Thump. Well, they have now. Grenadier down, but so is a Riflemen. That Sniper is doing work on Hamster's men. Two more Grenadiers fall to the ground before the last one retreats, while three Riflemen are still about. Will the Sniper stay and fight?

Yes, he does! But the Rifles are hiding behind that high fence again. Another squad is coming in. Hand signal goes out, time to catch that Sniper. Thump. Whoops, a bit too soon there, Arthur. Hopefully, your buddies can- No. They cannot. The Sniper is on the run!

Captain SPrice is in a lot of trouble. Both of his cutoffs are open to attack. The question is: will Hamster capitalize?


He does! His men head straight for the two cutoffs. Only a bunch of weaklings, Pioneers, walks into the way of five Riflemen. Yeah, just hide behind that truck, Krauts! Let the crafty Americans have your cutoff, then bend over. Your Fuel Point will be next. Meanwhile, the good Captain got the cutoff to the Hamster's East side, but the Lieutenant is on his way to the battlefield. If only he could sprint.

Eh... Hamster? What are you doing? He just sent reinforcements to the West side, despite having a squad of Riflemen on that Fuel. Now, he is cutoff from the map! It will be a minute or two before he can get it back. At least.

Oh, there is the Lieutenant. Welcome afield! Now get your ass moving. Your guys lost the West, thanks to a counterattack by the Germans. The good news is that their Sniper is limping and bleeding. Poor Freidrick. A few more shots and he will die, Lieutenant. But first, those cutoffs have to be taken back.

The Lieutenant walks to the East Cutoff, while some Riflemen take the middle one. No enemy resistance so far, but there are some Grenadiers nearby. We might see a clash.

Well, these Germans are not faithful. They just holed up in that church, fighting those Riflemen out in the open, on a plot of grass. Good positioning by the Americans. They duck behind some cover. Looks as if they will move away after they secure the middle cutoff point.


Remember that Riflemen squad, that got the Fuel? They never got out of the West part of the battlefield. SPrice gave up on them apparently. Now, they are making their way to the Fuel again. That is also where the weakling Pioneers are. But- Bang! Uhm, Freidrick is supporting them. Made a fine hole in my jeep, he did. Thump. And the guy behind us got a face lift. But at least the Pioneers ran.

This is just in, from the radio, an M20 Utility Car is on the field. Take a guess where it is going. A squad of Riflemen advance on the West side, on the Sniper. Who just took another shot and sent the Fuel Riflemen on the retreat. The remaining Riflemen squad lets a few shots go to return the favour. Something the Sniper is not fond of, so he takes a few steps away. Just in time for a dashing M20. Up the road! Straight at the German Sniper! Who jumps over a fence and sprints. One salvo. Thump. Freidrick is dead.

Meanwhile, Space Hamster worked his way around the map. All is his, except the center and one point outside of SPrice's base. Not too shabby, lad.

But the M20 got Panzerfaust into the front, and it is without its armor skirts! Three Grenadiers lay shot after shot in. One of them fall to enemy fire. The health of the M20 goes down. It is nearly dead, but so are the Grenadiers. The Riflemen are still around. Will SPrice risk his men?

No. They flee, but one more shot could have killed the M20, the duct tape is barely holding the thing together! Of course, SPrice ordered in another Sniper. It will take some time for him to arrive and it may have been a mistake. For he will still struggle with the M20.

Desperate, are not you, SPrice? A group of Grenadiers try to run after the M20, but the crew got the engine damaged repaired. Away they go! The Riflemen rams through the entrance of a nearby house and out the back door. Surprise, Krauts! Oh, they ran.

Things are ominous for the Germans. The whole map is against them, and they have no answer to that M20. What will they do?

They assault the center, against a strong point in Hamster's defence. Brilliant. I see Erwin Rommel, back there, is face palming. Hitler, though, is clapping. To make matters better, the Germans send out feet-dragging squads for the assault. Wounded men.

An M5 Half-track drives afield. Immediately, some American engineers jump aboard with an Anti Air upgrade. Someone will be full of holes shortly!


Captain SPrice makes no progress in the center. No surprise really, he ought to do what the Soviets did with the German forts. Walk around them. Do not smash your head into them. For then you will become ugly and you will also be dead.

Speaking of being dead, Captain SPrice just found the upgraded M5. And he has no Pak gun to save himself. Flee, he does. With both Fuels under control, Space Hamster may already have won the game. Unless the Captain has a trick up his sleeve.

Apparently not, but he finally got his Leichte Mechanized Komapnie up! Just in time for four Grenadiers to be slaughtered by the Ms. He is down a squad! Should have had that Kompanie up way earlier.

He may try for any part of the map, but SPrice cannot stay there for long. The Ms chase him out every time. They are far too mobile for his own forces. Plus, nobody wants to have piercings all over their body.

Except for the Pioneers. They could not dart fast enough, so the darts came after them. Meanwhile, a Riflemen squad goes down in a house. To the Sniper. Not so good at splitting your attention are you, Hamster in Space? Too many shiny stars to look at, for a poor distracted hamster.


The M5 is on the hunt. The Sniper has been spotted! He pulls back to a house, but then notices that the M20 is right beside him. Well, there goes that option! Legs it. Too late. A salve from the M5 ends him. But hey, Price finally got his hands on an Anti Tank Gun! First shot, with a Faust, kills the M20.

A new Sniper is ordered to make his way to the battlefield. But with his two predecessors dead, things are looking dark for him. Worse, a Major is on his way. The Americans have enough fuel for a Sherman.

But then a Puma turns up. SPrice finally has a mobile answer to the M5. Although, once a Sherman hits the field, things may change.

An LMG equipped Riflemen squad attacks a house. Some Grenadiers are hiding in a it. They are forced out and killed. That LMG came in handy. SPrice is doomed. He has no map control of note and he has been behind for far too long.

Plus, his Puma just found the Sherman, which came speeding up the road. Talk about good luck! For Hamster. Oh. Dear. The Puma lost its gun to a shot. Just in time for the M5 to come in and take revenge. The Pak gun is next. Ding-ding, knockout!

Game one goes to Space Hamster! Boo on you, SPrice! Should have had the Leiche Mechanized Kompanie on time.



Same map. Private SPrice, he got stripped of his rank, goes for the United States Forces, South Spawn. Thirsty for revenge, eh? The Space Hamster dares for the Oberkommando West, North Spawn. A Kubelwagen opening from him, a Riflemen squad for SPrice.

Both players are on their way to the center. A Volksgrenadiers and a Riflemen squad are traveling. The Kubel is afield. Two "Hi"s are exchanged in the center, and both players take a house. They sit in them. Starring at the each other.

Space Hamster pussies out first, going to the West. Per usual for this map, the Private goes for the East. Oh, what is this. A second Kubel? That is rare. That second Rear Echelons though, not so much.


Three hundred and forty bread and twenty-two wieners left. Great, die soldaten may get some creative ideas.

Some barbed wire goes down at the entrance to the church. Guess Private SPrice does not want any angry Germans to enter. He also would like to lay wire at a nearby stone fence, but the Sturmpioneers are looking quite angry already. The Rears decide to camp in the church, while the priests decide to pray. Again.

The Sturms move into the center, under fire, ducking behind the fountain. Meanwhile a group of Volksgrenadiers, with a Kubel, make for the Eastern cutoff point of SPrice. A Riflemen squad happens by. They are not happy to see the Kubel on their point. And they have some friends nearby.

Meh. No use! The two squads of Riflemen focus fire on the Kubel. It whites the cutoff, reverses and lets the Volks do the dirty work. Or what is left of it. Seems one of the Riflemen ran away! Leaving their friends to fight a losing battle. But a wounded squad is of no use. An Ambulance is on its way.

A Kubel engages some Rears at the West Munitions Point. The Riflemen, that left their friends to hang, relieves the church's garrison, but the Sturms are still outside, filling in for the choir. And by the almighty Lord, are they bad at it!


Or good. They are killing those Americans in the church awfully fast. Speaking of the lot, they just lost the East side. There will be no fuel for the Private anytime soon. Worse, he is out of Manpower to reinforce his troops. But at least, he got a third Rear Echelons squad coming. That will surely save him!

Scheisse! Walter, schnell! Get us out of here. We need repairs! Drives up to the smoking Kubel in question, bolts and screws flying off it. Gutten tag, meine Herren! Duct tape, ja? There ya go. Drives away. They got way too close to the church's fire.

While we were away, Private SPrice drove his Ambulance to the church. Now, his men gather around it. And the Germans are coming. The Sturms have not left their position. They are reinforced by a group of Volks. Luckily, both Kubels are too damaged to fight. That Volks on the East flank, however, may cause some trouble for the Americans.

Wrong. It will be the other way. Look, SPrice makes a push up! The Germans are outnumbered, and Hamster knows it. He retreats the Sturmpioneers and occupies a house with the Volks squad. Simply, he just needs to buy time. With both Fuels under his control, he will soon have some sort of vehicle. His opponent will have no answer. Yet.

Until then, the Private can breath a little easier. A move is made on the Western cutoff by him. No resistance. At the same time, the Battlegroup Headquarters set up behind some solid wooden fences, on the road. Huh... More infantry on its way, perhaps?

Well. Space Hamster found the Ambulance, but there is a slight problem. There are two Rears and one Riflemen squad in the way. Not now then, but later. Oh, and a fourth Rears squad is coming. I see that the Private has yet to put down his spam ways. How sad.


Still no Fuel for the Americans. An attempt on the Western Fuel Point is denied by a group of Volks. Who also took the cutoff back. SPrice may just as well roll himself into a carpet and make a break for it. Perhaps he will get through the enemy checkpoint that way. Or more likely: get caught and laughed at. A piss soaked carpet is not the place to be. But I hope for the best.

Private SPrice though, does not like the thought of a piss soaked carpet. He rounds up his men and sends two squads to the West, two others to the East. Meanwhile the center is watched by a garrisoned Jaeger squad. This could get ugly for the Private. His Ambulance is a bit windy.

The Jaeger squad gets out, sprints and slides into cover behind the fountain. Throttle down. A Kubel darts in. It finds the Ambulance and puts a few holes in it. Not enough to destory. But it does force it away as two squads of Volksgrenadiers rush in to join the fight for the church.

But what is this? Two stragglers are running after the Volks. They got a Panzerschreck each, and the Ambulance is just behind a hedge nearby! They see the front of the Ambulance. Two shots are fired into the hedge, but damn, nature is tough in these parts! The hedge is still standing. Not a single shot got through.

Not that they give up. They chase. The Ambulance reverses towards the West Munitions Point, while the Volks fumble with their rocket ammunition. Herbert, I cannot find the hole! At the end, Dummkopf! A second Jaeger squad breaks into the shed, looking out over the point. Boom! Just in time to see the Ambulance blow up. Look at that medic flying! Thump. Well, that was fun while it lasted.

While all this went on, a few things happened elsewhere. A Rear Echelons got hung by some Sturmpioneers. A Kubel went to high five two Riflemen squads. And the Captain came afield, then he face palmed at the situation.


Having lost his Ambulance, SPrice does the sensible thing. He buys another one with Fuel he does not have. That carpet is sneaking up on him.

SPrice tries an attack on the center, but the church is in German hands, and his two Riflemen squads are wounded. On the East, one squad of Echelons chase after a Kubel. On the road. With some Sturmpioneers jumping out of a nearby hedge. The American squad does not make it out alive.

Blob, oh, blob attack move grants the Private a squad wipe of an enemy Volks. But he also loses another Rears. Then a Riflemen squad. And then the new Ambulance. Are you ready with the bells, back there?

Ding-dong-dang! Private SPrice gets kicked out of the army for his lackluster performance!



Congratulations, Hamster from Space! Here, your space helmet, and your shiny new medal for a job well done. But let us hope that next time, you will actually face a challenge, instead of a fart. Now, for you, SPrice.