Dev team release Intel Bulletins

Intelligence Bulletins

• Rotbraun skin with slightly discolored fenders
  
• Rotbraun skin with grass in tank treads
  
• Rotbraun skin with rust colored scratches
  
• Rotbraun skin with realistic looking damage from Normandy campaigns
  
• Rotbraun skin with WW2 era graffiti like "FUBAR"
  
• Rotbraun skin with lime colored antennae
  
• Rotbraun skin covered in rotbraun dirt
  
• Rotbraun skin covered in snow
  
• Rotbraun skin covered in mud
  
• Rotbraun skin covered in Molson Dry
  
• Rotbraun skin with pink-colored flare tubes
  
• Rotbraun skin with flashing lights and green neon undercarriage
  
• Rotbraun skin with LOL Champions Ahri, Akali, and Alistar tatooed on side flaps
  
• T34 skin Russian Stalingrad Volga pattern with dredge attachment
  
• T34 skin Russian St.Petersburg pattern "Palace Yellow"
  
• T35 skin Russian Rzhev meatgrinder pattern with real meat blood
  
• T34 skin Russian Fall of Moscow Pattern commemorating the Fall of Moscow
  
• T34 skin with stolen "German Whitewash" pattern
  
• T35 skin with Minecraft Cobblestone pattern
  
• T34 skin with Netherbrick pattern and Herobrine eyes
  
• Sappers can build combo tanktraps with trenches covered in wire that are impassible by infantry, light vehicles, medium tanks, heavy tanks and airplanes
  
• Each individual Guards troops member becomes decorated on left breast with realistic highest Russian "Order of Lenin" medal under greatcoat
  
• Conscripts can shout "I survived the Eastern Front" in Russian sounding accent instead of "OOrah!"
  
• Level 1 penetration bonus on anti-tank guns (+3%)
  
• Level 2 penetration bonus on anti-tank guns (+10%)
  
• Level 3 penetration bonus on anti-tank guns (+110%)
  
• Bobblehead infantry skin
  
• Ability to influence blizzard rate, density, and location for 45s via spell called "General Winter"
  
• Command Treasure chest unlocks all units designed by "Eastern Front" mod modders for play in COH2 automatch
  
• Passive unlock for German Sd.Kfz.222 Armored Car - Clear mines
  
• Passive unlock for German Sd.Kfz.222 Armored Car - Detect all cloaked units on the map
  
• Passive unlock for German Sd.Kfz.222 Armored Car - Double-overdrive
  
• Veteran badge & virtual hat for players who managed to get in to the Alpha Stress Test as well as the Closed Beta (highly rare)
  
• Real Sonic plush toy (in available locations) and virtual Sonic in-game icon
  
• Level 1 XP Bonus for all units to earn shared XP when dealing or taking damage near other units (+3%)
  
• Level 2 XP Bonus for all units to earn shared XP when dealing or taking damage near other units (+10%)
  
• Level 3 XP Bonus for all units to earn shared XP when dealing or taking damage near other units (+110%)
  
• Russian Marshall Geddyvanov Leesky call-in (Artillery Company)
  
• Russian Marshall Alexis Lifeson call-in (Shock Troops)
  
• Russian Marshall Nielus Peartus call-in (Armor Division)
  
• German "Leopold" rail gun call-in for single fire (100% chance of destroying one enemy trench)
  
• German "Gustav" rail gun call-in for single fire (3% chance of killing retreating British lend-lease officer)
  
• German "Dora" rail gun call-in for single fire (43% of decimating entire opponent base)
  
• Russian T34 ram bonus - knock turret off King Tiger tank
  
• Russian T34 ram bonus - sink Panther Panzer in quicksand
  
• Russian T34 ram bonus - get a bunch of Panzergrenadiers uniforms dirty
  
• Franz Kafka Theatre of Absurdity upgrade - randomly get one of these 110 Intel Bulletins
  
• Franz Kafka Theatre of Negativity upgrade - randomly remove two of your opponents Intel Bulletins
  
• Franz Kafka "And Whip Them I Shall" infantry upgrade - turn randomly selected infrantry rifles into very scary whips
  
• Ability to get double bonus on future abilities that will be defined sooner or later
  
• Ability to reduce your opponent's popcap to nil for 600s
  
• TF2 russian army hat
  
• Woof - Anti tank dog bombs
  
• Woof 2 - Anti tank dog bombs deal 20% more damage
  
• Tanks fire knives
  
• Barbed wire becomes alive
  
• Fuel rate is inversley proportianal to CPU speed
  
• Curses - GIANT MOUSE CURSOR CAN CRUSH SQUADS
  
• Ice Doctrine - Snowball weapons unlocked
  
• Ice Doctrine 2 - Snowball weapons do 4x damage
  
• Queen of the Desert - All troops aquire resistance to cold and can shoot explosive pingpong balls at enemy from bodily orrifices
  
• Tetra Pak - Offmap call in, 5 Pak 40's
  
• L337 SniperZ - All infantry units convetered to snipers for 5 seconds
  
• Nothing Else Matters - Kill one nominated unit to win the match instantly
  
• Rammstein - All units including infrantry can ram any other unit, bitch.
  
• Mein Kamp'Fires - Marshmallows issued by Hitler improve effectiveness of fires
  
• Oprah! - New battle cry means you get upgraded weapons, everyone gets upgraded weapons.
  
• HAL - All units AI now equivalent to Iron Roman micro skillz
  
• HAL9000 - All units AI now equivalent to XCOM micro skillz
  
• Crazy Paving - In addition to forward and reverse, tanks also get a sideways gear.
  
• Crazy Ivan Paving - In addition to forward, reverse and sideways, tanks now get burrowing gear.
  
• Crazy Ivan Paving 2 - In addition to forward, reverse and sideways and burrowing tanks can now fly.
  
• Crazy Ivan Paving 3 - In addition to forward, reverse and sideways and burrowing tanks can now travel through time
  
• Snow Cover - Blizzards now generate 2x income for you
  
• Snow Cover 2 - Blizzards now generate 2x income for you
  
• Snow Patrol - Hum-drum indie music negates the effect of deep snow on your infantry units.
  
• Medication - Adds medics back into the game
  
• Medication 2 - Adds medics back into the game, with spears!
  
• Hannibal - Ostheer Elefant tank replaced by actual war elephants
  
• Hannibal 2 - Ostheer Elefant tank replaced by actual war elephants armed with ballistae
  
• Hannibal Rising - War Elephants take 50% less damage
  
• The Silence of the Lambz - War Elephants reduce doctrine effects
  
• Red Dragon - War Elephants can now fly and breathe fire
  
• "Softy pants" - Units that were previously ordered to death for retreating under No.227 are now given ice cream
  
• "Smoke a bowl" - unlocks submission of new ability that you came up with whilst bs'ing with your friends one evening. Top rated ability will be put in the game.
  
  
  

  Ultra tier High-Intelligence Bulletins

  
  
  
• GENUINE NAZI LOGOS AND STUFF
  Because any sane modern-day company would put that stuff in their game and think nothing of it. Seriously.
  
• CARPAL TUNNEL WARNING
  When enabled flashes up a small, dimly coloured box every 15 hours that says "Dude, erm, erm, ah well, forget it"
  
• BIG HEAD MODE
  Retains normal head size for all units but alters their sound files to be brash and contemptuous about the orders you have assigned them
  
• TWITCH MODE
  Limits both players to four total units, each of which gains an massive arsenal of abilites, each of which effectively ends the game when used.
  
• WAR CRIMES TRIBUNAL
  Gain the ability to query and reverse the deaths of minor units that died at the edge of the map because you didn't really know what you were doing.
  
• STOCKHAUSEN MODE
  Unleash the influence of the greatest German Avant-Garde composer with this unique ability that toggles the in-game music volume between 0 and 4500% and adds clock noises
  
• ANY GIVEN SUNDAY
  Instantly calls AmiPolizeiFunk's Skype and catapults him from out of his bed and onto the mic to commentate your every move
  
• SHINY COIN!
  Snipers about to die from close-range combat can now produce a coin on a piece of string and mesmerise their opponent for as long as the player can mash the space bar
  
• RELEASE THE BEES!
  Consripts can now plant the "Bee Hive" Building that acts as an area-denial ability and comes with a really loud and irritating soundfile.
  
• CHESS MODE
  Gives you the ability to *bang* the in-game map and scatter the enemy units after a micro-mistake
  
• NERD CHILLS MODE
  All Friendly and Enemy control points now need to be "harvested" by ten weak, useless "worker" units that you have to babysit like a concerned 15 year old first-time father who made a massive mistake one night in a cold alleyway
  
• HEGELIAN DIALECTIC
  Gain the ability to pause a multiplayer game and have all your units tell you in no uncertain detail why you shouldn't have a-moved that Sniper
  
• SCOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL
  All Snipers fire constantly at 0.1 second intervals and need to be individually micro'ed to avoid shooting your own troops
  
• PILOT MODE
  Attain the option to manual pilot your IL-2 Sturmovik Strafing Runs. While potentially deadly, the sheer amount of keyboard controls for operating the aircraft are rumoured to come with their own 53meg .pdf file.
  
• CAMP FIRE SING SONG
  An extra ablilty for the Camp Fire building. Nearby troops will trigger a DDR-style minigame which grants extra Command Points
  
• T-800 CALL-IN
  T-34 not getting the job done? Now you can replace those lumbering beasts with the benevolent power of Arnold in his finest Hollywood role. Watch him crash and smash into the Nazi war machine with unrelenting bloodlust while searching for that elusive Connor boy.
  
• MASSIVE FACTORY
  The default Russian Large Factory not big enough? This Bulletin unlocks a far bigger version that needs and area the size of Semois to place effectively
  
• X-BOX MODE
  All enemy voice-acting gets replaced by the voices of fat 14 year olds who make constant references to your mother's recent social activities.
  
• QUEEN TIGER
  Have your key battle tank commanded by a flamboyant Broadway Musical enthusiast who just *loves* to drive his lovely pink war-machine around in delicious swishes
  
• PAK-1988
  Bored of those silly little AT-guns? Now your PAK-manning troops will come dressed in fingerless gloves and sparkly purple jackets. Clicking on them repeatedly will make them breakdance and do raps.
  
• WOOOOARRRRAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
  "WOOOOARRRRAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" was a Russian Infantry battle cry during World War II and in CoH2 it will confer no bonus whatsoever.
  
• SNIPER'S GANG
  Snipers now spawn in 10-man squads, 1 actual Sniper and ten other dudes who follow him around telling him what a good shot he is.
  
• WARM-TECH
  Elimates the harsh effects of Relics' Cold-Tech™ system forever and grants the new building "Beach Hut" for both factions which can be used to trigger a hilarious "Weekend at Bernies" style side-mission for extra Command Points.
  
• FAKE SIGHT
  Replace your opponents True-Sight™ view of the battlefield with Fake-Sight™, a bewlidering system of shadows and illogical lighting effects that makes the game resemble Amnesia: The Dark Descent
  
• COMPANY OF HEROES - THE MOVIE!
  Replaces in-game voice acting with the dulcet tones of Tom Sizemore, Chad Micheal Collins and Vinnie Jones
  
• ZOMBIE MODE
  Turn your winning or losing ranked multiplayer match into a Co-Op Zombie Tower Defense game by building the Bulletin-only Zombie Cube
  
• STALIN TAKES THE FIELD
  It's battle time for Uncle Joe! While Stalin is physically weak (stats show him to have the same health levels as a Conscript) he does possess several potentially battle-changing ablities that serve to offer more strategic options for players. His "мега удар" Falcon-Punch ability is particulary powerful, enabling him to launch any unit to the top of the skybox. This can be used for defensive purposes on friendly units in order to down enemy planes.
  
• HITLER CALL-IN
  Unleash the Fuhrer as a Special Hero Unit. Adolf appears as a single-use call-in ability at any point in the game. He enters the field from the default off-map position riding a column of fire and has three main abilities. The first is a passive health regeneration for himself and all nearby units. The second is a Propaganda-War style effect where the Grosster Feldherr aller Zeiten repells all nearby hostile units to their retreat point. The third is his "Optische Kernschmelze" ability that shoots a narrow lazer beam at any nearby targets, rendering all but the most high tier Russian units dead in less than a second. Out of his eyes.