Joke thread

random jokes here plz.


i start:


What's the difference between an IS2 and your mom?

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random jokes here plz.


i start:


What's the difference between an IS2 and your mom?

I have an alternative one... The IS-2 can't hit you.

Btw, my mom didn't hit me.

A young man had three girlfriends and had to decide which one of them was going to be his wife. To find out which girl is the best for him, he gave each girl 1.000$.
The first girl went to the hairdresser, bought new lingerie and new shoes. She came back to the young man and told him 'Marry me, I am going to be the most beautiful girl in the world for you.'
The second one came back with a new set of soccer equipment, a PlayStation and a monthly stock of beer. She said 'These are my gifts for you because I love you so much.'
The third one invested the money and made much more than the initial 1.000$. She came back and said 'I multiplied the money for our future together because you are the man of my dreams.'
The man thought about many days and nights and in the end he chose the girl with the biggest tits.

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Girl: 'Oh my God! You're so good in bed! Do you use a nub condom?'
Boy: 'No, it's goose bumbs. You're so ugly.'

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Boss: 'Miss Schmidt, I think you won't see me again for some time'
Miss Schmidt: 'Why? Are you going on vacation?'
Boss: 'No I'm going to have doggy style sex with you right now.'

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A young man is undecided where he should spend this year's vacation. He asks his granfather for advice.
Grandfather: 'When I was your age, I went to Paris. I went to a bar and everything was for free. I was totally drunk, climbed on the counter and pissed on the floor. After that I spanked that waitress' ass.'
The young man is excited: 'Wow! That sounds great! Thank you, grandfather' - and books the travel.
Two weeks later he finally arrives at home again. His nose is broken, his lips are bloody and he has a black eye.

Grandfather: 'My God! What has happened to you?!'
Young man: 'I don't know what I did wrong. I went to Paris, entered a bar and got totally drunk. As I proceeded to climb the counter, and opened my pants, the barkeeper beat me up. I wanted to grab the waitress' ass but she also slapped my face. When they finally realized that I didn't even bring money with me, they called the police.'
Grandfather: 'That's very strange... how did you get to Paris?'
Young man: 'By plane, and you?'
Grandfather: 'With the SS.'

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Survey in Germany: 'Do you thing there are too many foreigners in Germany?'
10%: 'YES!'
10%: 'NO!'
80%: 'خنث نفسك!'

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Guest: 'Waiter! Why is there a horse in my soup?!'
Waiter: 'Sorry, we've run out of flies.'

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A farmer broke his jawbone. He is taking the Bus together with his wife to visit the doctor. All seats are taken, so his wife leans on the Bus door. Suddenly the door opens while driving and the woman falls out.
The farmer neither moves nor says anything.
A passenger screams: 'My God! Your wife fell out of the running bus and you don't react at all!'
Farmer: 'Sorry, my jawbone is broken, therefore I cannot laugh.'

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Police Check. The cops stop the car of the town's priest.
'Good evening officer, what can I do for you?', the priest asks.
'We're searching for a child abuser', the policeman answers.
Priest: 'Nice! I'm gonna do it.'

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Mister Schmidt has an appointment with his dentist. Right before he is about to leave his home to take the bus to the doctor, he suddenly feels the urgent to have oral sex with his wife. Quickly he enters the kitchen where his wife is cooking the dinner. He grabs her, places her on the kitchen table and starts pleasing her with his tongue. After the job's done he walks his way to the Bus station. Meanwhile he realizes that there is a pubic hair of his wife's stuck between his teeth. He tries everything to get that little thing out of his mouth - without any success. 'Well... I'm sure the dentist will simply ignore it...' he thinks and enters the dental clinic.
'You have great teeth, Mister Schmidt', the dentist says after the check. 'But I have to ask a personal question... Did you have oral sex with your wife right before you came for this appointment?'.
Mister Schmidt is a little embarrassed. 'Yes... that is correct', he answers. 'I'm sure you found out because of the pubic hair between my teeth, am I right?'
Dentist: 'No. There is a shit stain on your chin.'