Profile of HelpingHans

Jump back to quoted post2 Sep 2014, 13:03 PMMajorBloodnok

It's in the Scrapyard, so nothing wrong with that. (I mean, thank Heavens it is not in the Balance section)

Anyhows, if you don't get a move on, we'll never finish this biblical epic by Xmas. So I'll fast forward to the book of Samuel, but use a Relic reverse button, if I missed a book on the way through.



Now it came to pass after the death of Dane, when Complexity was returned from the slaughter of the Serb with abundant Hotchkiss, and had abode two days in Denver, Colorado;

2 It came even to pass on the third day, that, behold, a man came out of the strim from Dane with his clothes rent, and earth upon his head: and so it was, when he came to Helping Hans, that he fell to the earth, and did obeisance.
3 And Raging Hans said unto him, From whence comest thou? And he said unto him, Cheesus Kreist Out of the camp Wiking am I escaped.
4 And Siberian standing nearby (full of awful nutbrown ale a birthday gift from Complexity)) said unto him, How went the matter? I pray thee, tell me. And Kreattir answered, That the people in strim are fled from the battle, and many of the people also are fallen and dead; and Dane and and Marksnus his son are dead also.
5 And Sib said unto Kreatir , How knowest thou that Dane and Marksnus his son be dead? You have been strimming 24/7…..
6 And Kreatir said, As I happened by chance upon Dane’s strim, behold, Dane leaned upon his G43; and, lo, the M3s and ISU 152 followed hard after him.
7 And when Dane looked behind him, he saw he was target marked, and called unto me and I answered, Here am I. Cheesus Kreist
8 And Dane said unto von Kluge, Who art thou? Why comest thou here with impertinent comments? Of course I am God Almighty. And von Kluge answered him, Well, if you are God Almighty, I too am a vet 3 Riffle, the Devil’s Spawn.. And Marksnus got out the ban hammer and assaulted von Kluge
9 And Dane said unto von Kluge : Stand, I pray thee, upon me, and slay me: for anguish is come upon me, because my life is unwholesome.
10 So von Kluge stood upon Dane, and slew him, because he was sure that he could not live after that he was fallen: and von Kluge took the crown that was upon Dane’s head, and the imperial microphone that was in his fist, and have brought them hither unto Helping Hans.
11 Then Helping Hans took hold on Dane’s clothes, and rent them; and likewise all the Dane fanbois that were with him:
12 And they mourned , and wept , and fasted for Dane , and for Marksnus his other Mod, and for the people of the Obersoldaten, and for their natural successors, the house of Israel; because they were fallen by the sword. (but only a littler bcs Hans wanted Dane’s viewers)
13 And Hans said unto von Kluge, Whence art thou? And von Kluge answered, I am the son of a stranger, also a Vet 3 Riffle.
14 And Helping Hans said unto him, How wast thou not afraid to stretch forth thine hand to destroy Der Fuhrer's anointed?
15 And Hans called one of the Anime, and said, Go near, and fall upon von Kluge. And the Anime smote von Kluge that he died.
16 And Hans said unto Kluge and said, Thy blood be upon thy head; for thy mouth hath testified against thee, saying, I have slain the der Fuhrer’s anointed.
17 And Hans lamented with this lamentation over Dane, and over Marksnus his son:
18 (Also he bade them teach the children of Relic the use of the crossbow: behold, it is written in the book of lua notes.)
19 The beauty of the Wiking Obersoldaten is slain upon thy high places: how are the mighty fallen!
20 Tell it not in Russia, publish it not in the streets of Amerika; lest the daughters of the Philistines rejoice, lest the daughters of the circumcised triumph.
21 From the blood of the Allied slain, from the fat of the mighty, the crossbow of Marksnus turned not back, and the sword of Dane returned not empty.
23 Dane and Marksnus were lovely and pleasant in their lives (yeah! right!  ), and in their death they were not divided: they were swifter than chickens, they were stronger than the matchstickman himself.
24 Ye daughters of Israel, weep over Dane, who clothed you in scarlet, with other delights, who put on ornaments of gold upon your apparel.
25 How are the mighty fallen in the midst of the battle! O Marksnus, thou wast slain in thine high places.
26 Helping Hans is distressed for thee, brother Marksnus: very pleasant hast thou been unto him: thy love to him was wonderful, passing the love of women.

27 How are the mighty fallen, and the weapons of war perished!